I’m working for a small law firm that has six attorneys – five men and I’m the lucky female. I’ve been with the firm for the past year and I’ve been continuously excluded from events, lunches, and seminars which are attended by all of the attorneys. Every morning my boss walks by and makes it a point to say hi and walk into the neighboring attorney’s office and walks past my office without even so much as a wave. On Fridays the attorneys get together for lunch and on occassion I get the invite. Lunch meetings with local legal groups or politicians, even the ones where I tell my boss the day before that I’d like to go, he grabs all of the other attorneys and walks out without bothering to let me know he’s leaving. I’ve heard of sexist joke emails being sent around by my boss (according to him the email was sexist) that I never receive but I would love to see them just to feel included. Not only that, my office is the filing room for a major case and is also the printing room. Obviously, the other attorneys have amazing offices that do not have such distractions. There are days that I question whether all of this is because I’m a woman, if there is something about me that they just don’t like, maybe I did something so that I don’t deserve to be treated the same, etc.

When I realized what was going on, I started including myself in everything. If everyone is smoking cigars out on the deck, I invite myself up to join them; if I see them piling into my boss’ vehicle for lunch, I run out to join them; I’ve repeatedly requested to have my office cleaned up and the printer removed; instead of waiting for my boss to acknowledge my presence, I say hi to him in the morning.

I feel like I have two choices: sit around and count everything I’m continually not included in or just include myself. I have no idea if I’m doing the right thing or whether there are some other solutions out there. I love my work. I’m nervous about leaving the firm because I don’t want to change the type of work that I’m doing and I’m afraid I would not have a good answer for “Why did you leave your last firm?”

Obviously, I’m a new attorney and need some help. (Also, there are two other male attorneys that have started at the same time so the fact that I’m new doesn’t appear to be the reason for the constant exclusions.) Any suggestions that you have on how to handle this, I’d love to hear them!

Thank you.

You misread the intent of the article I think, Bailey, as well as the content. But that’s okay. Did you read the other articles? Maybe it will help you see, it’s not just bra burners and old farts like me (I’m sure I look quite different than you might imagine.) There is humor in my piece, perhaps too subtle.

Also, I’d just ask you to print this out put it away for about 20 years, then take it out and re-read it. Chances are you’ll have a different reaction. I’d bet my Blahniks.

And yes, I have laughed at the “sexist” joke from time to time not because I felt compelled to but because it was funny and I’m not really interested in apologizing for that. It’s pretty easy to tell the different between a joke as a joke and a joke as an insult. I passed fourth grade recess with flying colors.

When I got hired as the first and only woman, I took a little pause, perhaps I was a quota, or a diversity move, what have you. I understand that those types of hiring decisions are still pervasive. I also understand I sat down with the CEO and got my gig because of what I had to say and I’m still very upfront and uncensored about what I have to say. He will likely be the first to tell you what a mixed blessing that is!

When I hire for positions I look at qualifications and personality not gender. I can only live as one person and be responsible for my decisions. If I pick the guy over the girl it’s because of what is on his resume and not because she has ovaries.

I don’t want to be in a workplace where everyone is on eggshells about who is going to get offended next. I don’t have time for that, I want to work and go out for a beer after and I don’t really care if it’s with all men, half women, all women. Its not a denial of history past or present.

What I didn’t like about this piece was that it reinforced this ongoing charade that women don’t like sport and are obsessed with shoes. It’s a two way street, you can’t rock those stereotypes and be surprised when someone uses it against you. You don’t like golf? Ok talk about “The Office” and see if you get any takers. I think as women we have to create change as much by example as by stamping our feet and demanding action. Some times change by example is just grabbing a beer, making a friend, and saving the bra burning for the weekend.

“So he got fired for supposed sexual harassment in the office and he had made partner! Can you believe that?!” His pal replies, “Sexual harrassment is always B.S.- that never exists anyway. C’mon now!” His pal retored, “No kidding. But anyway, this guy was fired..” After which they proceeded to refer to women’s anatomy as, shall we say the derogatory form of a kitty and how many they’d “had.” THe one guy discussed how for his 30th birthday he’d like to go to Mexico- hence I knew their age.

I took a good, long look at them to see if they were really young, educated men and not some “old boys” having scotch and cigars after a full day of getting “kitty” from the secretary. I was shocked. THIS is the up and coming generation of “sexism-free” or gender-neutral businessmen in corporate America? If it is- girls, hold on to your golf clubs- because that’s going to be the LEAST of your very tired concerns!

So many young women think institutional sexism doesn’t exist. Or doesn’t apply to them. Like a “no smoking” section of a restaurant or a “pee free” end of the pool

I don’t think anyone advocated being “a Genghis Khan” about feminism, but that might be what opened the doors to women at your golf club. Or your office.

What happens, unfortunately is that you are perceived as such if you don’t laugh at a sexist joke. (see the reports of men dismissing women with the “Whatever, Hillary” comment.) Interesting piece in BBC about a HUGE payout by UBS to a woman who was routinely excluded, yes golf plays a part in that story, too.

By pretending sexism doesn’t exist, or that women who have issues bring it upon themselves, one becomes part of the problem, not part of the solution. 38,000 men joined an internet club with a title along the lines of Hillary, Make Me a Sandwich…38,000.

I’ve seen young women “shoot from the hip”, golf with the boys and think they’re being perceived as equals. You only have to take a count in almost any organization at the gender breakout level by level to see even the 22-25% of golfers that women comprise, hasn’t been reflected at the top.

Gender SHOULD be irrelevant to your ability. Until it truly is the case that people are assessed in a bias-free way, it’s incumbent on women to appreciate what the opportunities are changing things in your workplace, in smart ways and in fun ways, like playing golf. Which is fun. And still excludes women at the many turns.