I am a working mother. I have a boss who is childless, and makes no bones about it, and who has a dog she thinks of as her child. My co-workers are not confident that they will be treated non-judgmentally when requesting time off for child related things and try to avoid doing that. I have found myself simply omitting why I need the time off or just saying “a doctor’s appt.” Not “my child’s appt.”

The reality is many women must work and choosing to have children shouldn’t adversely impact the life and/or careers of those women. It is unfair that those with elder care issues are also negatively impacted. Especially since the reality is many more of us will be caring for our elders in the near future. (Still others will have children returning to the nest as they discover they cannot find jobs that allow them to live on their own.)

I want to point out to the posters who are childless, and appear unhappy with the status quo, that if we all decided not to have children the human race would die out fairly quickly. I’m not saying you should worship those of us who do bear children, but are you angry with the women who had children or the workplace that treats them ‘differently’?

It’s long past time to have work-life balance in the workplace. I’m nearly 50 and this ‘discussion’ has been ongoing for at least 20 years. Perhaps we can turn this discussion and the energy in these posts into something constructive. How can we change the discussion into an action plan?

Boy oh Boy or girl or girl. I will start off by saying this, my current therapist told me not to use words like stupid, idiot anymore and that I should try to articulate my feelings otherwise contrary to what i believe, the person will not know why I am angry. okay let me explain something to you my “dear” sister
No one could have been anti child than I. I had two abortions and I hated the idea of marriage and children annoyed me and I simple hated them. I had a blog where 90% of the time, I wrote about my hatred for children, motherhood and marriage. Then my birth control failed and I had no money to do another abortion and my boyfriend who is now my husband begged me to have the child and get married. plus, I was never supposed to be able to have children if my previous gynecologist is to be believed. It was not an elective thing. some people like you think just because people have kids its always 100% an election. so children having children in third world countries is an election?(this is where I want to call you an idiot but I wont). In some countries young girls as young as 14 are made to marry and bear children. Just because your ovaries are not prompting you to have children does not mean some women do not feel the urge strongly. ( I want to call you an insensitive imbecile here but I wont). You have no idea what some people go through and therefore you should not be quick to judge people who are experiencing those problems.
Now I have a one year old. Do you think I am happy when I am home with a child crying for 20 hours out of 24 and do you think I wont prefer to be at work and talk to mature people? I would prefer to talk to mature people. but I have to stay home with him when he is sick because his daycare will not take a sneezing coughing child. I love him more than you love your dogs considering I will never have him euthanized even if he could no longer walk or talk.

You criticize because you are ignorant. I once was like you. but you need to walk in the shoes of others before you begin to judge and make calls from your narrow end of the tunnel.

What a fascinating couple of posts. Allow me, please, to share my story.

I used to work at a five-person company where there was a woman named Betty who didn’t want children. Instead, she and her husband kept four dogs, two birds, fish, a big lizard that ate rats, and a horse at a stable near her home. Occasionally she would have the frozen rats delivered to our office so that she could take them home for the lizard.

She would come in and tell us about her pets, crying if something was going wrong, and I honestly did not mind at the time. “Otto is sick again.” “I got a new dog named Fluffy and he was mistreated by his previous owners.” “So-and-so has a hairball . . .” or whatever the case may be. I would always ask about the animal, how he/she was doing, and she would happily tell me. I love animals, grew up with cats, and I used to like Betty, so I cared. Understandably, she would leave for vet appointments, come in late or leave early because of a dog, or go to pick up medicine for one pet or another.

She would bring in one of her dogs to the office pretty regularly because she would set the animal’s grooming appointment for 10:30 a.m., and it wasn’t worth coming to work at 9:00, only to leave an hour later for home to get the dog for the appointment. A couple of times she left for three days to take her horse to a university at the other end of the state because there was something wrong with his eye, and they specialized in horse care there.

Now to 2002, the year my first child was born: The very first time I dropped my son off at daycare when he was three months old, I walked into the office with tears in my eyes. I cried for three minutes, tops, and then stopped. I knew the facility was a good place as I had researched it, but I was still upset. Four months later, during an argument with a male colleague (not boss) in the office, he said, “And Betty tells me that you cried when you dropped your son off at daycare for the first time. If you can’t handle it, then you should just stay home.” This colleague had been out of the office on the day I dropped my son off at daycare, and he wouldn’t have known I came in upset if Betty hadn’t told him. This woman, who regaled everyone with stories about her pets for years, and herself came in crying about them, had the audacity to run to this guy and “tell” on me because I showed a little emotion about my son. To let you know, the entire time I worked at that place, I never once discussed my personal life with my colleagues, and that included after I became a mom. Nor did I set any of his doctor’s appointments on weekdays; they were all done on weekends.

I am no longer working at that company. My boss terminated my position a year after I went back to work after maternity leave. I never had any problems until December 2001, when my pregnancy began to show. I endured snide little comments here, subtle put-downs there, and finally outright hostility.

It is absolutely imperative to be responsible in your job despite your personal circumstances. I have found, however, that there is an assumption that parenthood automatically makes you irresponsible in the workplace, and I see this attitude persisting. There is something in our society that makes in unacceptable for a working woman or man to also be a parent. And maybe it’s always been there. Even before I went into the workforce years ago, my own father told me, “When you begin working in an office, never put family pictures on your desk. You won’t be taken seriously. You have to show you’re always there for the company.”

Now, what if you had an elderly parent who is sick and needs care? You would certainly be there for him/her, no doubt. You would probably require and be granted a flexible schedule to be there for your mom or dad. An ailing parent who can no longer care for him/herself is like a child, after all. And your employer would certainly not sigh out loud, roll his eyes and shake his head, as I have experienced as a mother, because you have to go home to care for your mom or dad. I highly doubt that you would experience the same treatment that I and some (not all) working parents have experienced from employers because of our children. I don’t know what world you live in where the attitude is, “Poor mother of three,” or where anyone would use children as an excuse for not getting the job done. I know that I have experienced contempt, and the last thing I would do is blame motherhood for poor work performance.

Here are three scenarios. Which one, in your view, is the “unacceptable” scenario?

“My dog is sick. I have to be home with him. I have to go pick up his prescription. I have to drive him to his doctor’s appointment because he can’t drive himself.”

“My dad is sick. I have to be home with him. I have to go pick up his prescription. I have to drive him to his doctor’s appointment because he can’t drive himself.”

“My son is sick. I have to be home with him. I have to go pick up his prescription. I have to drive him to his doctor’s appointment because he can’t drive himself.”

Really now. What’s the difference?

Your attitude is so sad. You care more about dogs than you do people… what a lonely world you must live in. I know women like you and most of them are successful with their careers but complete failures with their relationships. What about those mothers that were left widowed after 911… some were at one time stay at home mothers of three and are now forced into the work place, not by choice, struggling to make ends meet, trying to balance work and family. What is your attitude towards those working mothers harsh Collegeau???????