I’m a liar. Actually, I’m a serial liar.
I refuse to admit that I’ve been late or absent from work because the kids have chicken pox/flu/a broken collarbone, or the babysitter didn’t show up. I would rather lie to my boss and cite train delays or urgent meetings.
Here’s the harsh truth about why: It is simply not acceptable admit that you are giving anything less than 100% at the office because you happen to be a mother. Any excuse, including chronic flakiness, a borderline drinking problem, or being abducted by aliens, is better than confessing problems on the mommy front.
A research study conducted by UK nursery chain The Family Care Company asked 1,500 women about attitudes towards working mothers and the difficulties of the elusive “work/life balance.” Over half of the respondents admitted that they’d lied about absence or lateness when the root cause was their children. Many reported that they were (and are) worried about employer and colleague attitudes towards childcare difficulties.
Male colleagues actually appeared more sympathetic than childless female colleagues, with 57% of women saying that women without children were much harsher on them than men. Additionally, a whopping 94% said that having children affected their careers, whereas only 31% said that parenthood had affected their husband or partner’s career.
Rosemary Bennett of The London Times says that even women who work extra hours at home will still suffer career damage by simply not being at the office when others are. So apparently, it isn’t about ‘working smart’ – it’s about showing up.
In the London Evening Standard, Rashid Razaq noted that two-thirds of women questioned for the report said that asking for flexible working hours had met with disapproval from their bosses despite efforts to make companies more accommodating.
The UK government introduced the right for parents to request flexible hours in 2003, and so far more than a million requests have been granted, which could be seen as good news. Unfortunately, Razaq comments that even if this is the case, parents who exercise this right are likely to suffer, with fewer opportunities for promotion or pay rises.
I’m not proud of my former fibs. I doubt any working mother would be – but in a professional environment, if you want to stay working and be a mother, sometimes I’ve found that you have to grit your teeth – and lie through them - unless you have a very considerate and progressive boss.
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7 comments
John Oct 22, 2007 at 8:48 am
Nah.. I don’t think this is true
In my team we have a few fathers and mothers.. who get out of the office early to take kids to doctors .. take days off if kid is sick and the spouse cannot take a day off … we even have a proud father who took 2 years of absence by quitting his job so that he could be home with his infant to see her grow up ….. one of the lady i work with has a spouse who is home looking after the kids for the next year as she has a young kid
Anon Working Mom Oct 23, 2007 at 2:16 pm
I think its totally true. I’m a working mother of three and I lie all the time. My boss would never accept any child related excuses, as he hardly ever sees his. Not sure what kind of company John works for, but let me know if they are hiring!
From an 'Harsh' Colleague Oct 24, 2007 at 2:21 pm
I am glad you lie and in my case I would love my coworkers to lie more! I am not a mom, I was never interested in motherhood and I strongly believe motherhood is an election, not a call from nature (or at least it should be if you are also using your brain in your decisions). So if your election is to have the motherhood responsibility, you should be able to juggle with it at the same time that you juggle with other responsibilities like work.
It irks me like hell when kids are excuses at work and we all have to understand that “the poor one is the mother of three”. Well, AFAIK she wanted to be, right? Or was she raped?
On the other hand, I love dogs way more than I love kids and my dog is my ‘kid’. I would love to have 10 dogs but I know I can’t take care of 10, I hope I will be able to take care of two some day. Still, if I would have to interrupt my work day for the vet or my pet related issues as much as mothers interrupt their day for their kids, I think I would be fired in two minutes… and I don’t find that fair. Why could you ask for flexible schedule and I can’t? I know my dog would like to have me more in the mornings so we can have longer walks that he so badly needs…
Don’t get me wrong I am all for flexible hours at work and where I work everything is about working smarter and not just showing up. Still, ‘mother’ seems to function in the professional world pretty often like a shield that entitles its owner to offer excuses, excuses and more excuses for poor performance without any real criticism.
So, if it is up to me, please keep lying!
rundeep Oct 25, 2007 at 11:47 am
Good article. I never lie. When I’m out cause my kid is sick, I either take a sick day or work from home. And I say why. Yes, parenthood is an election, but it is also the way the species propogates and without said propogation, there’s no one to purchase all the crap we sell them. That’s why it’s important to continue it.
That said, harsh colleague has a point — no parent should be seen as receiving favorable treatment for the simple reason of being a parent. You need to be reliable in your job, no matter your personal circumstances.
What I find irritating among colleagues is the assumption that I am not working if I’m at home with someone who is sick. Bullshit. I’ve had conference calls, worked on documents, emailed with vendors and coworkers, and otherwise conducted business as usual. Often, they don’t even know I’ve been out of the office until someone mentions it. Only at that point do they snort, “sick kid again?” To which I reply, in theory “‘eff you. You spend as much (or more) time dicking around on Nordstroms.com, trying to figure out how to sleep with someone in management to get ahead or fantasy football at work as I do dealing with kid issues. You leave the office at 6:30 and don’t do another thing. I leave at 5:30, get home, make dinner, and work from 7-10. Don’t presume to know how much I do because, unless you are my boss, you don’t know.”
Harsh Colleague again Oct 26, 2007 at 2:23 pm
I would never snort “kid sick again?” if my coworkers are just working from home because of that. Now, I would certainly say something and roll my eyes each time I hear sick kids as the excuse for performance or when I hear “the poor is the mother of (any number) of kids”.
On the other hand, the fact that someone does not have kids and therefore can spend their time and money differently shouldn’t make them the target of your “nordstroms.com” comment… ;)
Should Employers Accomodate Working Mothers? Part 1 » The Glass Hammer Apr 29, 2008 at 10:03 am
[…] Glass Hammer article “Why Working Mothers Lie” and the comments that followed it illustrate what can go wrong when work and family issues are […]
bridget May 31, 2008 at 11:18 am
To “A” Harsh Colleague:
Your attitude is so sad. You care more about dogs than you do people… what a lonely world you must live in. I know women like you and most of them are successful with their careers but complete failures with their relationships. What about those mothers that were left widowed after 911… some were at one time stay at home mothers of three and are now forced into the work place, not by choice, struggling to make ends meet, trying to balance work and family. What is your attitude towards those working mothers harsh Collegeau???????