If workplace flexibility is so good for employees and their managers, why is it such a hard sell?

A recent survey conducted by WorldatWork in 2011 found that workplace flexibility is positively correlated with employee engagement, worker satisfaction and low turnover. But the same survey found that most organizations do not offer adequate training for middle managers to effectively handle non-traditional schedules. As a result, these managers often turn down employee requests for increased flexibility.

Rose Stanley is a work-life practice leader for WorldatWork, a nonprofit organization that provides research and education on human resources issues. When it comes to flexibility, she says, “It is true that middle managers can be a deal breaker. But the more they understand the business side of flexibility…the more accepting they are.”

Diane Burrus is a senior consultant and workplace flexibility practice leader at WFD Consulting, which works with leading global companies to enable greater work-life integration. “We have found flexibility to be an area that organizations need to focus on in order to really attract, motivate and engage talented people,” she said.

How can employees convince a stubborn manager that a flex schedule is the right answer for them? “It’s all in the presentation,” said Stanley. “The way they are requesting it can really make all the difference.” Here are five effective ways to approach the conversation.

1. Define Your Terms

Workplace flexibility comes in many forms. Before you make your request, figure out what’s best for you. “A lot of people have different perceptions about what flexibility means,” said Burrus. “For instance, there’s informal day-to-day flexibility such as adapting a schedule or taking time off when needed.” These tend not to require much negotiation.

But if you’re after a more formal long-term flexibility arrangement, Burrus suggests you come up with a plan that suits your needs and responsibilities. Be realistic—in a sales job where personal interaction is key, telecommuting doesn’t cut it. For IT professionals who work with nine-to-five clients, clocking odd hours won’t fly. Take some time to look into the options. “The formal kinds of flexibility that are most common are part-time work, flex time—adjusting daily start and end times—and telecommuting,” said Burrus. Other options include job sharing, a compressed work week and phased retirements.

2. Make a Team Effort

“Managers fear that as soon as everyone knows [about one employee’s flexible schedule], they’ll all want it,” said Stanley. “So some employees feel they’d have to hide their new schedule from others.” This is a big issue, since secrecy is not exactly conducive to healthy work environments. Furthermore, an employee’s physical absence may shift some burdens onto the shoulders of colleagues.

To mitigate these risks, discuss flexibility with coworkers. Think about workplace dynamics—can one coworker attend meetings in your stead while you work remotely? Would you be willing to double down on days when other team members are absent? Work out the details, and then pitch the idea as a team. This shows that you’ve considered the full effects of your initiative, and your manager won’t have to worry about workplace conflicts.

3. Do a Trial Run

Is your employer unsure whether you can handle the greater freedom that flexibility affords? Take the opportunity to prove yourself.

Set up a time frame—a week, a month or a quarter—to test out your proposed schedule. Since it’s not as binding as a permanent agreement, this pitch will be harder for your manager to resist. If you can prove yourself in terms of accountability and productivity, the arrangement could become your new normal.

“A pilot is a great idea,” said Stanley. “When you go in and negotiate, make the suggestion to try it out for a certain time, and then sit down afterwards to talk about what worked and what didn’t.’” This tactic will not only serve to ease your manger’s worries; it will also give you the opportunity to test your own capabilities and determine what level of workplace structure is right for you.

4. Have Patience

In strictly structured work environments, achieving flexibility involves changing a collective mindset—it can’t happen overnight. Even if your request is denied, you’ll at least encourage your manager to think about the issue. In time, they may find that it’s not such a far-fetched idea after all. “You know, 98 percent of organizations offer some sort of flexibility,” said Stanley. “That’s a huge number! But there is sometimes a big difference between what’s offered and what’s actually utilized and culturally accepted.”

In other words, be prepared to encounter some roadblocks at first.  “You may be turned down, but that’s okay,” Stanley explained. “To change anybody’s mind and to change the culture, it may take a while. Maintain that professionalism and ask what makes your manager uncomfortable with the idea, what you need to talk about, or whether you can revisit the issue in a few months.” Eventually, that resistant superior may begin to see your point.

5. Make the Right Case

Both Burrus and Stanley agree that the most effective way to push for flexibility is to show how your employer will benefit.

“Think of the manager’s point of view, and try to work through the issue ahead of time,” said Burrus. “I find it’s really important to put responsibility on the employee to say, ‘What is the arrangement I want, and how am I going to overcome any challenges it might present? How will I ensure my performance will stay the same, or even improve?’ The manager will realize it’s not their responsibility to figure out how it’s going to work.”

Done right, flexibility really is a win-win for employees and managers. “Employers are beginning to better understand the benefits for both their employees and the organization,” said Stanley. “Understanding that they can utilize their flexible work arrangements within a strategic framework can put them at a competitive advantage.”

Here’s some good news: the history of human work patterns reveals that leisure time is on the rise, and people today work less than ever before.

In a 2010 report, the Economic History Association (EH) noted that “because of the decline in the length of the workweek and the declining portion of a lifetime that is spent in paid work… the fraction of the typical American’s lifetime devoted to work has become remarkably small.”

Sounds great. But if that’s the case, why do so many of us feel that work demands are eating into our personal time?

Technology is blurring the line between work and leisure, and this merits a closer look at the way we define our terms. According to the EH study, working hours consist of “paid work, travel to and from work, and household chores.” But what about that quick inbox check over morning coffee? How about that message you sent to your boss during lunch? And what about the research you did on your smartphone before bed?

Although our time at the office has decreased, the time we spend working has grown in ways that are difficult to measure precisely, and leads to questions about whether all this work on the fly is really good for us psychologically, emotionally, and physically.

Unhealthy Imbalance?

“It’s not healthy at all,” said Cary Cooper, a Professor of Organizational Psychology and Health at Lancaster University in the U.K. who has spent his career conducting research on the quality of working life. Over the past decade, the increase in connective technology has caught his attention. “We’re not spending personal disposable time with our family when we’re outside of work,” he said. “We’re gearing ourselves too much to the technology that links us back into work. We’re home physically, but I’m not sure we’re home psychologically.”

A 2010 report released by Zokem [PDF], a mobile consumer research company, presented usage data from more than 10,000 smartphone owners. If you own a smartphone yourself, what they found may not surprise you. “On working days,” said the report, “people start allocating face time on smartphones right when they wake up, on average around 7 a.m., and 10 a.m. on weekends. Usage continues until late evening.”

A healthy work-life balance, then, is harder than ever to conceptualize since work and life are increasingly intertwined. “Work is spilling over into people’s private life,” explained Cooper. “It’s even ruined vacations. Now that we have iPads and iPhones and Blackberries, you can go down to the hotel pool and do your work surreptitiously while the kids are swimming!”

The phenomenon affects both men and women, but not to the same extent. “Technology makes women extremely vulnerable,” said Cooper. “As if a woman who’s trying to juggle looking after kids, elder parents and a job doesn’t have too little disposable personal time! This makes it even worse.”

Women make up more than half of the workforce in many developed countries—the United States included—but they are also still mainly responsible for chores at home. A 2010 American Time Use Survey conducted by the U. S. Bureau of Labor Statistics finds that “on an average day, 84 percent of women… spent some time doing household activities such as housework, cooking, lawn care, or financial and other household management,” compared to just 67 percent of men. And now that technology enables us to bring work home, those two already-demanding worlds are overlapping.

Switching Off

What stops us from hitting the ‘off’ button? It may have something to do with increased job insecurity during the recession. As economies falter all around the world, work is scarce. And those who are employed may find themselves taking on extra responsibilities as their companies downsize. We tell ourselves that now is not the time to relax—now is the time to keep up-to-date, to be the first to respond, to sneak a peek at the BlackBerry during dinner.

The great irony, said Cooper, is that this kind of behavior does not make us more productive in the long run. “If you hit the ‘off’ button,” he said, “you don’t become a less valuable employee. I’ve done meta-analysis on all the studies on hours of work, and if you work consistently long hours, you will get ill. That’s what the global studies show. And it will damage your personal relationships. And finally, it will make you less productive. I’m not saying in a week; I’m talking about consistently working long hours. And if you think about it, this technology is an extension of your work life. Not healthy.”

The implication is counter-intuitive: to be a better worker, it pays to indulge in some down time. Technology is certainly useful, but moderation is key. In the face of mounting pressure to be on point, on time, and online, the key to true balance is knowing when to hit the ‘off’ button.

In 1970, 30 percent of children under the age of six had both parents working outside of the home. According to Catalyst, the amount of dual-earner marriages is now closer to 80 percent and that number is only expected to increase as more families seek out greater economic security. We’ve had over half a century to get used to the idea that both partners in a family can be career-focused while also maintaining a happy, healthy home life.

But as Marie Wilson, Founder of the White House Project recently mentioned, each generation of women is told that they need to return to the home for the sake of the family. In the 1980s, she said it was the “new traditionalists,” who were featured in glossy magazines discussing how they’ve left their high-level jobs to tend to their homes and children. According to Wilson, “the pictures and magazine covers were alluring, inviting women to join the exodus.” Later on, the tactic was fear. How could anyone forget the 1986 Newsweek article about the poor marriage prospects of educated women over 40 that included the line, “Women over 40 are more likely to be killed by a terrorist than find a husband”?

And in the early 2000s we learned about the so-called Opt-Out Revolution, a term coined by Lisa Belkin in her now infamous New York Times piece. Today we see reports of radical homemakers and homesteaders of the green movement, which are urging women to make their homes the center of their lives by opting out of “consumer culture.”

In fact, we rarely see portraits of women as career-focused as their partners. That needs to change. Here are profiles of thriving dual-career couples – and ten tips for making it work.

Maintaining Flexibility

Jennifer Pereyra’s relationship with her husband Ignacio seemed fated. While in college, she lived with a Spanish family while participating in a study abroad program in Madrid. Ignacio was a friend of the family and just one year after meeting, the couple tied the knot. The couple have now been together for 13 years and are working together to make their dual-career family work.

Ignacio is an account executive in the banking industry and Jennifer is a regional account manager in the healthcare industry. Both work from home and though they don’t have traditional work schedules, this works to their advantage and disadvantage, especially while raising their two young daughters, ages six and three. “The advantage is we have more flexibility when it comes to trying to coordinate schedules and be there for important events for the girls. The disadvantage is the office is at home and it’s easy to go in with the idea of just sending an e-mail or two and end up staying there a couple of hours,” she said.

Jennifer Pereyra wrote the book on managing a dual-career family – literally. When her oldest daughter Rebeca began asking questions about why she and Ignacio had to spend so much time working, she searched for a children’s book that would shed light on the issue, but when she couldn’t find one, she took matters into her own hands. In April of this year, her book Mommy & Daddy Work to Make Some Dough was published in hopes of helping other dual-career parents better explain to their young children why both parents work. Though the couple’s children are now in school and more understanding of their family’s situation, Jennifer Pereyra and her husband are still constantly working on ways to improve their communication and ensure that quality time together is spent. Rule number one: there are no rules.

“There are no hard and fast rules in our house,” she explained. “As we all know, things can change on a dime and if we set certain rules, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment. One truth we have learned is to change our perspectives and look at balance over months and years as opposed to days and weeks. If you are trying to achieve balance on a daily or even weekly basis, you are setting yourself up for failure. However, if at the end of a few months or the year you can look back and feel good about your life, I think you can safely say that you have achieved the balance that is appropriate for you and your family.”

The pair has no formal outside help, besides the occasional babysitter, but they do carpool and share parenting responsibilities with Jennifer Pereyra’s best friend, whose son goes to the same school as their daughter Rebeca. This becomes especially important when either Ignacio or Jennifer Pereyra have to travel for their work, which happens fairly often. When they can’t ensure that their travel schedules don’t overlap, Pereyra’s best friend can step in and watch the girls until one parent can make it home.

Planning ahead also helps the couple make sure that their day-to-day lives run smoothly. Jennifer makes sure that their daughter’s clothing is washed and laid out for the week, small snacks are made in advance for the girls to grab-and go, and any reminders that Ignacio may need are listed on post-its.

According to Jennifer, here are five tips other dual-career families should consider:

1. Have a plan: Plan in advance and have a method for tracking each other’s schedules. “In our house, if one of us has a meeting or work travel that falls outside of normal business hours, we send a meeting planner through Outlook to make sure the other is aware. We also use Outlook to set up recurring events, such as dance practice,” she said.
2. Be flexible: A give and take that has to take place. You have to be willing to compromise and understand that not everything is going to fall into a neatly-defined schedule.
3. Ask for help: Whether it’s asking a friend for help with home responsibilities or asking a co-worker to cover something for you, there is no shame in asking for help when you need it. The alternative is only setting you up for failure.
4. Outsource: Whatever you can afford to outsource, you should. “In our case, it’s the house cleaning,” she said. “It may be something different in your household, but outsource those things you don’t absolutely have to do yourself.”
5. Prioritize: Understand that perfection is a myth. Eventually, something’s got to give and it’s better if you come to terms with that up front. Define what is most important for you and what you are willing to allow to slide. For the Pereyra family, this means that the most important parts of the house are clean, but you’ll likely find dishes in the sink and toys on the floor.

Focusing on Communication

Jackie Woodside and her partner Heather Harker met almost 13 years ago while playing basketball at a local women’s drop-in session in Cambridge. A mutual friend thought Woodside, who knows American Sign Language, would be a good connection for Harker, who is deaf. Just three months after meeting, the couple purchased a home together and the rest, as they say, is history.

Previously a clinical social worker doing psychotherapy and mental health consulting, Woodside recently went into speaking, training, and career coaching, which allows her to have a more flexible schedule. This came in handy because as the director of consulting and executive transition services at Third Sector New England in Boston, Harker was sometimes putting in 60 hours at work. The biggest challenge the couple encountered was making time for each other, but several years ago when they decided to adopt their son Nathan, it required that they communicate at a higher level and masterfully tune in to each other’s strengths, needs, and as Harker said, “natural rhythms.”

“The biggest challenge was not the number of hours we were working, but that both of us often have evening and weekend work. Coordinating schedules while also ensuring family and couples time requires phenomenal and impeccable communication, with a healthy dose of humor and the ability to forgive and be flexible of last minute changes,” Harker said.

Rather than trying to make plans weeks in advance, the couple shares their schedules each and every day, fine tuning every detail to make sure one of them is able to drop Nathan off at school and pick him up.

“The best thing about this arrangement is that I am a morning person, so while Jackie says it’s ‘crazy early,’ it actually feels like my prime time to be productive,” Harker said. “Honoring each other’s natural rhythms has made a difference as well. Before having Nathan, work was more primary in my life, after adopting our son, it became more about balancing the things that are important to me, starting with my relationship with Jackie and Nathan, couples time/family time, work, and then additional things I want to do, such as serve on boards.”

Since adopting their son, Woodside and Harker have learned to tune in to their own needs, as well as the needs of their family unit. According to Harker, sometimes she feels as if she needs more family time and other times she feels more focused on her work or volunteer work. Adjusting their schedule to allow for these shifts is a “delicate art,” but the couple has found a way to honor what they need as individuals, what they need as a couple, and what they need as a family.

“We know each other very well,” Woodside said. “We respect one another’s personal values and we have a clear sense of our values as a family. That is the foundation for how we manage everything.”

Here are five tips from Woodside and Harker that have helped them navigate their dual-career family:

1. Communicate all the time, especially about what’s important to you.
2. Respect one another’s values, even if you don’t understand them or agree with them.
3. Own your own “stuff.” If there’s a problem in the relationship with schedules, work, or anything else – look to see how you can resolve it first. What are you doing to contribute to the stress, how can you be different to resolve the stress? Give 100 percent; 50/50 only leaves you both half empty.
4. Spend time together no matter how hard it may be. Nurture your friendship, support one another’s goals, ask how things are going, and really listen.
5. Show appreciation. “This is one of the big things that help Heather and I feel so grounded,” Woodside said. “We thank each other all the time. I don’t think one meal goes by that I don’t thank Heather for preparing it. Similarly, not a week goes by that she doesn’t thank me for doing the laundry. These are simple examples, but they create a strong foundation of gratitude and appreciation.”

Making it Work for Your Family

At the end of the day, it’s about doing what works best for your family. How one dual-career family operates may not work for another, that’s why it’s crucial to write your own rules, communicate effectively, and constantly check in with your family to see where it’s at and what it needs.

“When it comes to family time, we make the most of whatever time we can,” Pereyra said. “We think it’s more about creating quality memories than the quantity of time that is spent together. Obviously, opinions on this differ. There are many ways to arrive at the end goal of a happy, well-adjusted family and your way may not be for everyone, just as long as it works for you.”

In the previews to the new Sarah Jessica Parker film “I Don’t Know How She Does It,” we see a frantic and tired woman constantly in motion; she’s running her children to school, dashing to the office, staying up all night creating her mental to-do list. Some contend that this is a thing of the past, that 10 years ago “having it all” became the obsession of a generation of women, but like Parker’s character, there are still many who wholeheartedly believe they can have it all. They believe it is in their power to have a dynamic career, the picture perfect family, and a healthy marriage and social life – all while maintaining their supermom persona. According to new research, however, not only can this belief fall short, but it can also lead to depression.

Katrina Leupp, a University of Washington graduate student, recently authored a new study that found that working mothers who believe that home and the office can be seamlessly juggled are at greater risk for depression than their more realistic colleagues who accept they can’t do it all.

Leupp looked at 1,600 women — a mix of working and stay-at-home mothers — who had previously participated in the National Longitudinal Survey of Youth, which tracked kids in 1979 when they were between 14 and 22-years-old. As young adults, the women were asked to rate their attitudes regarding women’s employment. Leupp then analyzed those answers alongside a score of the women’s level of depression when they were 40. Her findings confirmed earlier studies that showed that women who are employed have better mental health than stay-at-home mothers. The study also revealed that women who rejected the myth of the supermom were less likely than “supermom-wannabes” to have symptoms of depression. According to Leupp, results remained similar when marital satisfaction and hours worked were considered.

Letting go of the dream of having it all can be very difficult, especially if you’ve spent every waking moment trying to maintain it. If we’re being honest (and it’s hard not to be when findings such as Leupp’s become more common), acknowledging we’re not perfect enables us to achieve so much more. By admitting that balance is impossible, you’ve already found the release valve for the working mom’s unrelenting pressure.

Intensive and Intense

Women, it seems, are always caught in a Catch 22. As Betty Friedan taught us with The Feminine Mystique in 1963, “the problem with no name”—the malaise, emptiness, and frustration afflicting wives and mothers in an era of postwar abundance— is still something strongly felt by stay-at-home moms today, if not more so. But, as Leupp’s research revealed, working moms may have lower rates of depression than their stay-at-home counterparts, but buying into the supermom myth could put working mothers at greater risk for depression. The grass is always greener on the other side and as many working moms dream of staying home full-time with their children, how are they expected to make peace with the reality that they can’t have it all and that balancing work and life is impossible?

Julie Hurst uses a model that looks at active vs. passive living. In passive living, people feel at the mercy of their workload, overburdened, and overwhelmed; they feel that things are out of control. In active living, people feel in the driving seat of their life – including their work life. They are better equipped to manage their working lives as opposed to being at the mercy of them. Hurst’s model covers psychological, emotional, cognitive, and behavioral elements of change so that it is both wide-ranging and long-lasting.

Hurst is a psychotherapist and the director of The Work Life Balance Centre, which she created to help people deal with the increasingly overwhelming nature of work. According to Hurst, the last decade has seen work become more “intensive and intense,” often leaving women feeling as if they’re buckling under the pressure.

For 10 years Hurst led a national research project in the UK called the 24-7 survey, which looked at the ups and downs of modern working life. The results informed a great deal of the work she now does with the Centre and using her qualifications and experience, she began looking for a way to help people stress proof the way they worked. Studies such as the one authored by Leupp are of particular interest to Hurst, who tends to focus more heavily on the psychological effects of work/life balance issues, such as the depression women feel when trying to have it all.

“Interestingly there are few differences between the challenges faced by both men and women in terms of dealing with being overwhelmed at work, but it is at the interface between work and home that women often face an additional disadvantage,” Hurst said. “My particular interest in this subject is psychological and deals with two facets that tend to be much more prevalent in women than men. One is guilt, as in, ‘Am I selfish for wanting to have a career which takes me away from my family?’ The other is perception, as in, ‘Am I seen as less able by putting my family first?’ Because these barriers are not externally obvious and are largely contained within each individual woman’s own thoughts, worries, and feelings, they can be difficult to overcome because no one else knows they are there. Women can also be hesitant to speak up about emotional impacts.”

In A Perfect World …

The first step to easing any depression that is being felt as a result of trying to juggle it all is seemingly simple: open up. Just as you immediately feel better after talking to a friend or loved one about a particularly trying day, discussing the internal barriers Hurst referenced makes it easier for individual women to see their way through the fog of what could have been or what they believe should be. If what you currently want in life has to be prefaced with the phrase, “In a perfect world …” then you know it’s time to start from scratch.

If you simply can’t make peace with not having it all, try to change your thinking about what having it all means in the present moment.

“I am often asked if it is possible to have it all and my answer is always the same: Yes, but not all at the same time. Our lives go in stages and as we grow, mature, and undergo lifestyle changes, we need to check in with ourselves as to whether we are keeping up to date with our priorities,” Hurst said. “When we lose sight of the shape of our lives, when we try to take a life built about one set of needs, drives, wants, and priorities and then add in a whole new set without letting anything go – we are heading for trouble. I encourage women to be realistic.”

Hurst recommends that women take a close look at their psychological needs and drives. What attracts them, energizes them, ignites their passion? What do they enjoy, crave, or feel drawn to? Is it having an impact? Is it solving problems? Is it being creative? If you work out what these things are, then you can ensure that these needs are met in a variety of ways, not just at work and not just at home. When doing this, whatever decisions you make about how you divide your time and where you put your energies do not seem like compromises. You do not feel as though you are missing out. These fundamental needs are met equally effectively in all the areas of your life, meaning you feel fulfilled regardless of your working patterns or work/home choices.

One of the most important concepts Hurst tackles when dealing with her female clients is teaching them that they need to be the number one priority in their own lives. For many women, this is an incredibly difficult concept to wrap their heads around. According to Hurst, it’s as simple as this: If a woman loves and wants to care for her children, then she needs to love and take care of their mother. The more people need us, the more we need to ensure we are in a fit state, both emotionally and physically, in order to be there. This means putting yourself at the top of the list – not at the bottom. This is especially crucial for women raising young daughters. How can you expect to teach your child to have self-esteem if their primary role model undervalues herself and behaves as a martyr? According to Hurst, children learn what they live and will learn to value themselves when they see the women in their lives valuing themselves too.

“I remind women that good decision-making skills are critical; when you cannot do everything, make sure you do the right things,” Hurst said. “We are not perfect, we never have been, we never will be and even trying to be is fruitless and ultimately soul destroying. We all need to celebrate our wonderful ‘imperfectionism’ every day.”

Work-life coach Amber Rosenberg recently released a survey citing guilt as a top challenge for working mothers. Fast on the heels of this not-so-happy announcement came a story in the Wall Street Journal detailing a study conducted by a graduate student in sociology which concluded that working mothers who accept that they can’t do it all are less prone to depression.

Although it’s easy to tell a working mother to accept that she can’t do it all, it might be more effective to deliver that message of acceptance to her boss, clients, spouse and children. In the meantime, how to deal with all that multi-tasking and all those expectations?

1. Delegate

“Women in particular have more trouble delegating,” says Deborah Epstein Henry. Henry, a consultant and speaker on work-life challenges who runs the website Law and Reorder, is a former litigator and a mother of three. “Take an assessment of what’s on your plate and determine what you need to be involved in.”

Further, “When people allocate time that’s really protected, they feel less guilty,” Henry adds. This may entail more than sending laundry out and ordering dinner in. It may involve enlisting an administrative assistant to monitor email messages during a personal blackout period on the Blackberry and entrusting entire duties, not just specific tasks, to another – for example, not just picking up milk, but the whole duty of grocery shopping.

And of course, to delegate means you have to let go of micro-managing.

2. Communicate

In a piece written for Lisa Belkin’s New York Times blog Motherlode, advertising executive and mother of five Kerry Lyons specifies:

“*Treat your kids like colleagues or clients. I would never yell at my clients or suggest that something must get done at work simply ‘because I said so.’ In the office, there is a prevailing sense of mutual respect that I think I’d do well to apply more frequently at home.

“*Treat your colleagues and clients more like kids. Showing some empathy in the workplace goes a long way toward building those ever important relationships. Co-workers, like kids, like to feel appreciated and valued. While I’m quick to praise a tiny tot for a job well done (using the potty or setting the table, for example), I think I’d do well to more frequently let my colleagues know how grateful I am for all they do.”

And in an astute blog post at Working Mother magazine’s website Ellenore Angelidis recounts an anecdote involving one of her sons, who wonders why she doesn’t cook the same elaborate meals as a friend’s mom does. Although her initial reactions are guilt and defensiveness, Angelidis chooses to explain calmly, “I have to make hard choices about how I spent my time and right now that has not been priority.”

Her son accepted this explanation, but the conversation also helped her realize that such meals were important to her son, and she made it a point to readjust her schedule to include them when she could.

3. Organize

Henry is a strong advocate of scheduling and routine, and of reassessing that routine on a regular basis. “Force yourself to have coveted time,” she advises. “One time each day which is protected time. Decide to devote that time to your kids, yourself or your work.”

Children welcome structure and many professions measure success by the hour, so treat the schedule as your ally and not your bully. Commit to it, reassess it periodically, and communicate it to everyone who will be affected by it.

4. Optimize

You can multi-task. But do it thoughtfully. Henry cites a few examples. Say you need to work out, but you haven’t seen one of your close girlfriends in ages. Voilà – work out with your friend. You need to take a CLE class and could use some bonding time with a client: suggest that you take the CLE class together. If volunteering is important to you: give your time to something your kids can participate in with you.

5. Appreciate

Ellenore Angelidis recommends learning to “revel in the messiness, joy and exploration inherent in this type of juggling.”

A simple tip is to focus on what is being done in the moment. Not on what is not being done, or what needs to be done, or what else you could be doing.

Remember that you’re juggling, not struggling (even if you feel like you’re struggling). And you’re not alone. Avail yourself of the resources out there, from books like Henry’s, to The Glass Hammer’s own working moms group on our social network, to the quite specific blog Working Moms Against Guilt. Wonder how they came up with that one?

According to a recent study in the Journal of Vocational Behaviour, there is a huge disconnect in policy and practice when it comes to corporate flex programs. The study, “Influences on employee perceptions of organizational work–life support: Signals and resources,” found that even though many companies have flex policies in place, employees aren’t taking advantage of them.

Why? Workplace cultures often do not support actually using human resources policies as they are written.

As the report’s author Ariane Ollier-Malaterre told the Financial Times:

“Employees aren’t using the policies because they feel that if they did it would negatively impact their career. They feel that if they were to say, take a leave or go part-time, they would not be conforming to the ideals of a loyal committed worker, and it would [harm their opportunities for advancement.] Quite frankly, the consensus in the work/life community is that work/life doesn’t work.”

Ollier-Malaterre indicated that a workplace culture unsupportive to flex utilization may be driving women out of the workforce – that at the manager level and beyond, women tend to drop off the career ladder. The reason, she says, is that companies have a hard time acknowledging that many women have significant priorities outside the workplace.

The solution, she said, is improving job security for those employees who take advantage of flex policies. She explained:

“Job security helps employees feel supported. What good is on-site childcare if you’re worried about losing your job? Another important attribute is the fit between employees’ needs and the work options available to them. Companies need to really tackle the organisation of work – the way they assign workload, and the norms around typical working hours. Organisations need to consider each employee as a whole person, not just one of its resources.”

And she added, if your coworker makes a snarky remark about leaving early or your work habits – your workplace culture probably isn’t supportive enough.

FT writer Rebecca Knight commented, “But it does appear that if companies are serious about retaining more of their female talent, they need to go beyond just providing human resources programmes. Otherwise employees will perceive them merely as lip service.”

But what are women to do? Even if many companies are merely paying lip service to the idea of flex, the current economic climate and jobs outlook isn’t exactly inspiring. Many people feel lucky just to have a job. Should we be willing to “walk” if our flex needs are not being met?

According to research by iPass, a company that provides support for mobile workers, a third of workers are willing to leave their job if their needs aren’t being met.

Jenny Williams of ComputerWeekly reports, “…40% of the 3,100 employees surveyed worldwide wanted employers to provide more flexible working conditions. A total of 33% would consider looking for employment elsewhere in search of better mobile working benefits.”

Barbara Nelson, iPass’s CTO said told the magazine, “Enterprises should note, if they don’t provide the flexibility today’s mobile employees feel entitled to, their employees will seek out those companies who do allow them the freedom to work when and where they choose.”

The other surprising news the report revealed is that more people – 68% according to the survey – are getting comfortable with turning their mobile devices off. In 2010 only 47% said the same. This is a big shift in how people are interacting with their Blackberry, iPhone, or other gadget.

Nelson said, “The top reason given for disconnecting was to spend more time with their families. It appears that the mobile workforce is finally getting a better grip on their work/life balance.”

The iPass research shows a big change in expectations around flexibility and mobile devices – and it may mean we are seeing a change in consciousness around technology. Employees are taking ownership over how and when they use it. Mobile devices are no longer being seen as a shiny workplace privilege, but as a job to get work done.

Yet, as Ollier-Malaterre’s points out, not all employers feel the same way. The technology is there, and the flex policies are in place, but that doesn’t mean workplaces are ready for employees to move full steam ahead. Tackling this tension is the next step for flex implementation.

Last year we may have “officially” declared that technology helps work/life balance. But there’s also the flip side: for example, a new study by specialist insurer, Hiscox, found that only 5 percent of the 304 people surveyed reported not working on weekends and only 3 percent keep their mobile devices away from both the bedroom and dinner table. According to the Pew Internet and American Life Project, 83 percent of American adults own some kind of cell phone – and the Hiscox study shows a lot of people find it difficult to switch off once they’re at home.

Many are divided on whether new communication devices help or hinder work/life balance. For some, smart phones, tablets, web cams, and other gadgets are freeing, offering them more flexibility in their work schedule by enabling them to work remotely. For others, the fact that bosses, co-workers, or employees can find them anytime, anywhere, everywhere, feels a lot like being on call 24/7 and constantly being shackled to their metaphorical desk. According to leadership expert and management consultant Eileen McDargh, communication technology is a wonderful, terrible thing.

McDargh wrote the book on work/life balance – literally. Her book Work for a Living & Still Be Free to Live, published in 1985, is considered the first book on work/life balance and according to the expert, when people say they’re “struggling” with work/life balance, it means they’re exhausted.

“I have grave concerns about technology,” McDargh said. “If we choose to be connected 24/7, it can hinder the work we hope to accomplish, damage the relationships we hope to discover, and it stalls us from thinking critically; technology has us thinking at a very flat, shallow level. Because of technology, we have to make an extra effort to develop our own pace. First the pendulum swung too far to the right. Now it’s swinging too far to the left. We need to make it swing back to the center.”

Swinging Back To Center

So how does one do that; how do we center ourselves; how do we become fully present in a world full of static, noise, and endless, fleeting electronic interactions?

As with most things in life, honesty is the best policy. People – bosses and co-workers in particular – will assume you’re always available unless you tell them otherwise. McDargh herself takes a brutally honest approach. When she is spending one-on-one time with a client, she creates an e-mail auto responder saying, “I am with a client and will not be answering e-mails. When I return, you will receive the same undivided attention.”

One of the biggest cons of technology is its ability to put us on auto pilot. While mindlessly sending out dozens of e-mails each day and halfheartedly responding to a dozen more, we lose sight of the purpose of our work, the goals of the day. Essentially, like many of the e-mails we’re sending out, we get lost in the shuffle.

This is why McDargh believes we have to make firm decisions about how and when we respond to e-mails/texts/instant messages, etc. We are living in a world where work and life are constantly blurred. It’s not necessarily good or bad, but to keep ourselves from going crazy and to have some semblance of work/life balance, we must be clear, up front, and have harder boundaries.

It’s simpler than some are willing to admit.

Do not bring work home with you. Do not check any work-related e-mails, text messages, or voicemails past 7 p.m. Make it known to those you work with that when you are spending weekends with your family, work-related matters are off limits. These things don’t have to be easier said than done. According to McDargh, they simply have to get done if you want any chance of having a personal life, spending meaningful time with your friends and family, or being able to decompress, disconnect, and breathe easy without being tethered to work all day every day.

The leadership expert also recommends taking an honest approach with your boss.

“If your boss thinks it’s okay to text or e-mail you at midnight, send a polite, yet firm response. Something to the effect of, ‘I could respond to your request at this hour, but I am not working at my full potential and you will not be getting me at my best. If you could wait until 7 or 8 a.m., I will be fully present, capable of being more clear and concise, and able to accomplish whatever task you need. At this hour, you will only receive some of my brain and none of my heart.’”

Pros & Cons

Communication technology has many pros. In many cases it’s eliminated the need to travel, as, for example, Skype meetings are becoming more common. It enables us to get information in a timely fashion. It can create connections in real time, doing away with time zones and timelines. On the other hand, technology can feel cold and it can keep us from forming meaningful connection. It causes us to mindlessly send out messages that are incomplete, unclear, and anything but concise just because we can and because clicking “send” is much easier than picking up the phone and actually having a conversation with someone.

Essentially, technology is what you make of it. If you are conscious of how it can hinder work/life balance and you make a concerted effort to rein it in and not abuse it or allow it to abuse you, it can be a beautiful thing that provides you with flexibility and the ability to work remotely. As McDargh said, you have to learn to make technology work for you; you shouldn’t be working harder for it.

“We have to learn to make adjustments,” McDargh said. “Know what’s important to you and figure out how to utilize technology in a way that helps you honor your priorities. Use technology to help you accomplish your goals and once your goals are met for the day, turn everything off and walk away- and using auto responders wisely doesn’t hurt.”

According to a Baylor University study published online in the Journal of Applied Psychology, women who return to work after giving birth are more likely to stay on the job if they have greater control over their work schedules. Researchers also found that job security and the ability to make use of a variety of their job skills leads to greater retention of working moms, while the impact of work-related stress on their physical and mental health causes greater turnover.

According to 2008 data from the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, 71 percent of women with children under the age of 18 were working or looking for work, and nearly 60 percent of women with young children were employed. Yet, a large number of mothers who return to work after childbirth subsequently leave the labor force.

As the saying goes, you can’t manage what you don’t measure. By revealing the needs of this group of women (all North Carolina residents with an average age of 31; 79 percent of them married), the Baylor study sheds light on what working mothers are looking for.

On the other hand, one has to wonder why studies like these are still being conducted. After all, is it an earth shattering revelation that a woman who just gave birth will now need more work flexibility? Is it shocking to learn that a woman who has job stability is more apt to stay at her place of employment and be productive because there’s no nagging fear of losing her job?

It shouldn’t be, and perhaps that’s the point.

Entering the Public World

Marie Wilson is the president and founder of The White House Project, an organization whose premise is that if you add women to the ranks of leadership, you change everything. Wilson has been advocating for women’s issues for over 40 years and in that time she’s witnessed the monumental shifts that women have made since entering “the public world.”

Not too long ago, women were expected to stay out of the public – it was believed that a woman’s place was in the private sphere, meaning her life was to revolve around family life and the home. Once women entered the “public world,” which is to say the workforce, they had their work cut out for them. According to Wilson, this emergence required deep social and cultural changes and the idea of women as just mothers was so deeply ingrained that it’s something women must still combat today, which is why issues like the mommy penalty are still so prevalent.

Working mothers constantly find themselves in a Catch 22: They want to be treated equally, but a majority of domestic responsibilities still fall on them, which is why they need workplace flexibility. Another problem is that many employers fail to realize that flexibility not only benefits working mothers, but working fathers and families as a whole. After all, women now make up 51 percent of the total U.S. workforce and according to Census Bureau figures from 2010, 66 percent of couples both hold down jobs.

“The Baylor University Study may not have revealed anything groundbreaking, but it’s interesting that men are now beginning to feel many of the same pressures that women have been under for years,” Wilson said.

“Cultural and social changes happen very slowly and we’re at a time in history where men are making major shifts. They want to be engaged fathers, so they’re taking the responsibility of being the primary caregivers to their children or they’re refusing to take jobs that don’t offer flexibility. I’m assuming that more companies are going to get on board with workplace flexibility because now it’s a problem that affects men and a majority of leaders are men – and we take them very seriously.”

Is Time On Our Side?

According to Wilson, one of the biggest obstacles to getting companies on board with offering their employees more flexible work options is fear – fear of change and fear of lost revenue. After all, time is money and asking a company to restructure how and when it allows its employees to work can be a daunting task. Despite numerous studies that reveal how much more productive employees are and how much more lucrative business can be just by offering job sharing and flexible work options, many are still reluctant to make the first step.

Wilson believes Joan Williams, foundering director of the Center for WorkLife Law, is doing important work in this area by identifying different areas of the workforce that don’t offer flexibility and conducting studies in those areas to illustrate why flexibility is so vital. In a recent column, Williams explained how unions and employers came together to make work-life balance a reality for hourly workers in health care, restaurants, and small business, but argued that four simple rules could be applied to provide flexible work options to employees in any field.

By creating a dependable schedule, setting up a formal system for handling schedule changes, addressing the issue of overtime, and offering hourly workers short periods of time off work, companies will be well on their way to offering their working parents the flexible work options many so desperately need. “Bottom line, Williams wrote, “is that if these employers can improve the work-life balance for movers, health care workers, and retail and restaurant staff, this can be done anywhere, in any job.”

On the Center for WorkLife Law’s website, Williams also details how working mothers can be retained, with one of the first suggestions being the most simple and perhaps the most overlooked: finding out what their needs are. Williams also recommends designing parental leaves and stop-the-clock policies, maternal and paternal leave, treating pregnancy leave the same as other kinds of disability leave, designing parental leave policies based on caretaking status (not gender), providing central funding for leave, and designing “opt-out” instead of “opt-in” policies.

“The best companies in the world offer flexible work options, but not everyone has the luxury of working at these companies,” Wilson said. “Options must be presented in a way that makes it clear flexibility will benefit the company. We’ve come a long way, but until companies have reliable childcare centers and other programs in place that benefit working parents and families, there’s still a great deal of work to be done.”

In a recent Forbes piece, Georgia Collins, managing director of North American business for strategic consulting agency DEGW, wrote about her decision to go back to work after her son was born. She wrote:

“It wasn’t easy going back to work in March – five months after my son was born – and I’m still conflicted on a daily basis by my choice. Luckily, I know an extraordinary group of women who’ve taken the same path as me. …So when it came to finding a way to balance being a mom and having a career, their starting point was not about compromising one for the sake of the other. Instead, it was about finding a way to make both work, and work well.”

Seeking smart advice from the women who’ve been there before is a terrific way to manage the challenges you face – whether personal or professional (or in this case, both). Here are five pieces of advice from senior professional women on how they made work and family work for them. While every work/life situation is different, hopefully their advice will inspire your own solutions!

1. Seek Personal Solutions, Not Perfection

“Work life balance is a very personal and bespoke issue,” said Alison Rose, Head of Corporate Coverage and Client Management for the EMEA region in the Global Banking & Markets division of RBS. “The way you manage work and home life is very individual to you.”

She continued, “One of the best pieces of advice given to me by my role model is not to feel guilty. There is great pressure for women to be perfect in all things. Life is about compromise and making priorities. These things are not static – being flexible and open is the right way to do it.”

2. Be Prepared to Make Trade-Offs

According to Viva Hammer, Principal at KPMG Washington National Tax, work/life balance is possible – but you have to decide what’s truly important, and what trade-offs you’re willing to make. She said, “It is possible to be a successful, working parent, but you have to make sacrifices that previous generations wouldn’t have imagined.”

She explained, “For example, I’m never going to have a perfect house. I was going to renovate my kitchen and when weighing the decision, I thought ‘it’s either the kitchen or my book.’ I decided the book was more important.”

3. Be Flexible

Sometimes life throws you a curve-ball, but that’s nothing to fear, said Denise Diallo, Partner in the Banking and Global Markets Practice at White & Case. In fact, on the day of our interview, Diallo’s young daughter was in her office as well. She explained, “My nanny wasn’t able to pick her up from school, so I did. It just illustrates that not everything goes the way you plan. But it doesn’t mean you don’t have work/life balance.”

“You just have to be adaptable,” she said.

4. Seek Out Companies that Support Flexibility

According to Augusta Sanfilippo, Managing Director of Cash Securities Operations IT at Citi, one key to making it work is to find a company that supports flexibility at every stage of your career. She said, “When women choose to start a family, they need support from their organization. This is the time these women suddenly disappear from the organizations.”

She continued, “We need to put in that support system. The women who need work/life balance help the most are the women in that [mid-management] layer. If you give them the flexibility during those years to figure out their support system, allow them to work from home, create more job-sharing opportunities, we would see fewer women leaving their corporate jobs.”

5. Set Boundaries

According to Sonia Thimmiah, Director in Accenture’s UKI Sustainability Practice, work/life fit means setting boundaries – ensuring that personal time stays personal – for example, she said, that means turning off her Blackberry during some evenings and most weekends.

“As far as work/life balance goes, I try to make sure I have enough energy and time for my husband and family. I do have rules I try to enforce as much as possible – as much as you can in consulting… Consulting does allow you to be flexible. If you set your own rules and boundaries, people will respect you for it.”

A recent report by A Better Balance: The Work and Family Legal Center, a national legal advocacy organization, revealed that nearly 85 percent of fathers feel pressure to be both a financial provider and an engaged parent, and three out of four fathers worry that their jobs do not allow them to be the kind of dads that want to be.

The report, entitled Beyond the Breadwinner: Professional Dads Speak Out on Work and Family, also found that more than half of the 250 working fathers surveyed identify work-family balance as a source of frequent stress. A larger study by The Boston College Center for Work & Family surveyed 1,000 white collar fathers from large corporations and came to similar findings: Dads are struggling to juggle their dual roles as caregiver and breadwinner.

Now we must ask ourselves: will companies be more receptive to offering flexible work options now that working fathers are struggling to balance it all? And if so, why did it take men feeling the pinch to get the attention of corporate America when women have been struggling with the same issue for years?

Flexibility No Longer a “Mommy Perk”

According to Dina Bakst, co-founder/co-president of A Better Balance, the Beyond the Breadwinner survey was initially commissioned to see the extent to which professional fathers support changes in workplace policy. What was revealed was more of a reflection of the changing demographics and cultural shifts of today’s workforce.

“Most children today are growing up in families that do not include a full-time, stay-at-home parent and these changing demographics have influenced the values of working fathers,” Bakst said. “Businesses and public officials are increasingly recognizing that workplace flexibility is good for all workers – men and women alike.”

Bakst contends that working moms suffer when workplace flexibility is viewed as a “mommy perk,” which is why the more workplace flexibility is recognized as good for all workers – as well as a strategic business imperative in today’s globally competitive economy – the better off we all are. “Public officials across the country are recognizing that paid leave and other policies that support working families benefit workers, families, businesses, and the health of our economy,” Bakst said.

The Working Dads Network

Two years ago Wall Street Journal blogger John J. Edwards wrote a piece about why working dads don’t need a support group, quoting a stay-at-home father/blogger who wrote, “Dads don’t always seek support for the simple reason they don’t feel the same parenting pressure as moms. While moms may feel a societal push to be perfect, dads often are praised for whatever they do.”

Even three years later, it seems as if opinions haven’t changed much, as there are still very few working fathers groups online or otherwise, whereas Googling “working mothers groups” will result in well over 23 million hits.

As rare as they seem to be, Matt Schneider, co-founder of NYC Dads Group, a 400-member community of working and stay-at-home dads, argues that support groups for working dads are absolutely necessary. In light of the Boston College study and a 2008 Families and Work Institute study that found that fathers in dual-earner couples feel significantly greater work/life conflict than mothers, Schneider says it is “ridiculous” to say that men don’t need support.

“The fathers in our group come from diverse backgrounds and life situations, but the common thread that binds our group of dads is this idea that we take our role as fathers very seriously,” Schneider said. “I hope that our group can demonstrate what is possible for fathers, so we can build a reality that matches our desire. Studies show that fathers want to be involved, we want to be nurturing, and we want to be competent. For some working dads, the barrier might be at home. Couples can fall into a pattern where the primary caregiver – often mom – develops skills and confidence, while the other parent – often dad – becomes an assistant.”

For Frank Benavides, a stay-at-home dad who works from home as an architect, becoming an “assistant” is not an option. His wife maintains a fulltime job away from home, so Benavides is the primary caregiver to his two young children. Like Schneider, he feels that support groups for working dads are necessary.

“I actually think fathers need support groups more than mothers just to feel normal. In my town, there weren’t any fathers doing what I was doing on a regular basis and breaking into the mommy circles was tough,” Benavides said. “I have to be honest, though. If I didn’t have to work, being the primary caregiver wouldn’t be as difficult. Adding the work to the mix is the killer, but the rewards far outweigh any sacrifices.”

Benavides really began to struggle with work/life balance when his wife had their first child. The new father was unhappy about only getting to spend an hour with his daughter before she went to bed each night, so he asked his employer if he could spend two days a week working from home. When the employer denied his request, Benavides suggested only coming in three days a week and taking a pay cut. The firm agreed, but four months later he was let go. As a result, Benavides doesn’t believe that the changes that need to be made to assist working parents will come from large companies.

“I personally think that small businesses are the nexus of where change will begin. There is a lot more flexibility at the small business level that can be used as a platform for this kind of change,” Benavides said.

With more fathers ready and willing to take on caregiving responsibilities, it’s up to companies –large and small – to offer the benefits and flexible work options that will provide the support necessary for working parents to succeed. Bakst is quick to point out that the need for these types of policies is more prevalent than ever and it’s her hope that reports such as the one released by her organization convey that message to employers.

“Progressive companies in the U.S. are already leading the way and showing that flexibility benefits their bottom line by lowering turnover, increasing productivity, and reducing absenteeism,” Bakst said. “We hope this report inspires more employers to take proactive steps to develop flexible work policies and practices, ensuring that employees who take advantage of flexible work arrangements feel supported by management and senior leadership.”